Monday, August 11, 2014

Thoughts: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014

I think choosing the Ninja Turtle that best embodies yourself is on the same level of importance as sorting yourself and your friends into Hogwarts Houses. I am a Raphael. The Wife is Leonardo. Now some of you may say that combination is troublesome. I will agree that we often but heads, but just as the famous turtles, when united against a common enemy, we come together and some kick serious shell.

Which Turtle are you? Comment jerks.

So they made another Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I have words to say about it. Read them below.

Spoiler Alert!

TMNT2014 is not the best Ninja Turtles film, nor the worst. Let me put it this way, when the turtles are on screen, it’s great. Too bad they spend too much time not on screen. I understand they want to build up to the big reveal, but twenty odd minutes go by before seeing Ninja Turtles. That’s too damn long!

Also, the plot and motivations for everything are just terrible. I mean bad like few other films have ever done bad before. For instance, Splinter learns ninja from some ninja books he finds in the sewer. How did he learn to read? Also, the guy in the movie who owns a castle is motivated to be evil (and by evil I mean kill like, millions of people evil) because he wants to be rich(er). There is this level of wealth in which more money is but icing upon a huge, golden, dark chocolate cake. Owning a castle means you’re on that level. Also, who knew a castle hidden in a mountain range with 500 foot tall cliffs was within fifteen minutes of New York City? I could go on, and on, and on.

But I’ll leave you with this. People who made this movie (Michael “Assplosion” Bay) which has already had a sequel confirmed for 2016. You weren’t too far from a decent Turtles movie. The turtles themselves were good. Now focus on them some more and holy crap run the script by a seventh grader for consistency before you green light it.

If you like the Ninja Turtles, go see this, you’ll be entertained and have some fun laughing at the absurd plot. If you don’t like the Ninja Turtles then get out of my life.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Mini Review: Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians of the Galaxy is the best film Marvel Studios has produced thus far.

It’s better than Iron Man and sequels. It’s better than Thor and sequel. It’s better than (and it pains me to say this) Captain America and sequel. Hulk? Pffh…

It is better than The Avengers.

It’s funny, not because of short quips or references to other Marvel films, but because it’s actually written to be a comedy; not an action film trying desperately to keep things light.

It’s a better Science Fiction film than Thor.

It’s a better team coming together for the greater good film than The Avengers.

Chris Pratt maybe be having the best year ever with this, plus Lego Movie and next being in Jurassic Park 4 (he will most likely be the only good part of that) and the news he is up to play Indiana Jones in the unnecessary yet inevitable reboot.

The whole cast is great. I mean, a tree dude who has only one repeating line has more depth of character than Hawkeye, Black Widow, any and all other secondary characters within the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) and I’ll go right out and say it, if they replaced the Hulk with Groot for Avengers 2, I’d be fine with the move. With or without Rocket, though I prefer with!

I hope whatever James Gunn (Writer/Director) was smoking gets passed onto Joss Whedon because Guardians of the Galaxy was the kick the (progressively more stale) MCU needed rounding third on its way into Avengers 2.

Guardians of the Galaxy is awesome. A huge risk by Marvel that paid off. Go see it.