Monday, August 11, 2014

Thoughts: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014

I think choosing the Ninja Turtle that best embodies yourself is on the same level of importance as sorting yourself and your friends into Hogwarts Houses. I am a Raphael. The Wife is Leonardo. Now some of you may say that combination is troublesome. I will agree that we often but heads, but just as the famous turtles, when united against a common enemy, we come together and some kick serious shell.

Which Turtle are you? Comment jerks.

So they made another Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I have words to say about it. Read them below.

Spoiler Alert!

TMNT2014 is not the best Ninja Turtles film, nor the worst. Let me put it this way, when the turtles are on screen, it’s great. Too bad they spend too much time not on screen. I understand they want to build up to the big reveal, but twenty odd minutes go by before seeing Ninja Turtles. That’s too damn long!

Also, the plot and motivations for everything are just terrible. I mean bad like few other films have ever done bad before. For instance, Splinter learns ninja from some ninja books he finds in the sewer. How did he learn to read? Also, the guy in the movie who owns a castle is motivated to be evil (and by evil I mean kill like, millions of people evil) because he wants to be rich(er). There is this level of wealth in which more money is but icing upon a huge, golden, dark chocolate cake. Owning a castle means you’re on that level. Also, who knew a castle hidden in a mountain range with 500 foot tall cliffs was within fifteen minutes of New York City? I could go on, and on, and on.

But I’ll leave you with this. People who made this movie (Michael “Assplosion” Bay) which has already had a sequel confirmed for 2016. You weren’t too far from a decent Turtles movie. The turtles themselves were good. Now focus on them some more and holy crap run the script by a seventh grader for consistency before you green light it.

If you like the Ninja Turtles, go see this, you’ll be entertained and have some fun laughing at the absurd plot. If you don’t like the Ninja Turtles then get out of my life.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Mini Review: Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians of the Galaxy is the best film Marvel Studios has produced thus far.

It’s better than Iron Man and sequels. It’s better than Thor and sequel. It’s better than (and it pains me to say this) Captain America and sequel. Hulk? Pffh…

It is better than The Avengers.

It’s funny, not because of short quips or references to other Marvel films, but because it’s actually written to be a comedy; not an action film trying desperately to keep things light.

It’s a better Science Fiction film than Thor.

It’s a better team coming together for the greater good film than The Avengers.

Chris Pratt maybe be having the best year ever with this, plus Lego Movie and next being in Jurassic Park 4 (he will most likely be the only good part of that) and the news he is up to play Indiana Jones in the unnecessary yet inevitable reboot.

The whole cast is great. I mean, a tree dude who has only one repeating line has more depth of character than Hawkeye, Black Widow, any and all other secondary characters within the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) and I’ll go right out and say it, if they replaced the Hulk with Groot for Avengers 2, I’d be fine with the move. With or without Rocket, though I prefer with!

I hope whatever James Gunn (Writer/Director) was smoking gets passed onto Joss Whedon because Guardians of the Galaxy was the kick the (progressively more stale) MCU needed rounding third on its way into Avengers 2.

Guardians of the Galaxy is awesome. A huge risk by Marvel that paid off. Go see it.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Thoughts: The Amazing Spider-Man 2

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was terrible.

I mean, it was really bad. Sure, there were some good performances. The action was decent, when it wasn't being interrupted by awkward teen romance. The CGI was great. But oh, wow, the sum of its parts was mind numbing.

The plot is so full of holes [insert tired and true Titanic reference]. Sure, every superhero movie is filled with plot holes we happily look past because of: great acting, funny dialog, interesting story, fun action, deep emotion, Robert Downy Jr., etc. Too bad Amaz-balls Spider-Man 2 had none of this.

The shear convenience of everything that happen in this movie blows me away. Every time you turn around something is exactly where the plot needed it to be. For no other reason at all. People can use highly complicated technology without ANY foreknowledge of it existence, let alone basic operation.

The villains were so utterly stupid. So, so stupid. First villain be like "Hey, I met you once on the sidewalk, I love you! But now I hate you because I wanted my face on the billboard." Second villain be like "Hey, we knew each other ten years ago when we were like nine and you were my friend, so now I'll turn to you for life saving help. You won't help? I hate you."

By the way, multiple villains in one super hero film is now officially played out. I'm calling it now. Pack it up.

And holy banzai balls the interpersonal relationship scenes between Mr. Parker and Miss Stacy are just so, so awful. Maybe I am an old fart. No, I am an old fart. Just because I am an old fart who likes to say fart does not mean I like to sit through scene after pace shattering scene of mumbling and looking at your feet and indecision and oh look, ghost Dad causing guilt for three scenes early in the film and now he's gone because, cuts!

I don't like this movie. I was okay with the emo reboot first one, but this is just garbage. Obviously, Sony plans to keep making these to hold onto the right so Spider-Man will NEVER be an Avenger. Which is fine I guess because good luck retconing him into Avengers 3 anyways.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Fart Noise Methodology, Star Wars VII and Stuff

A few things of note.

Last night I came to the realization that I have lost the ability to make fart noises via putting both hands to my face and blowing (I couldn’t find the technical term for this on the internet, though I did find it fascinating that searching “Fart Noise Methodology” brings up some very well written posts).

Sure I can still handfart. Raspberries are as easy as ever. But the hand to face method is somehow cruder, and thus more hilarious. I could never armpit fart. The wife apparently was once a very talented armpit farter. When I asked for a demonstration, she said that since the development of her mammary glands, the noises have never been the same; things getting in the way and all (I was told not to say it's because her bewbs get in the way, so I didn't). But still she produced a few adequate fart noises. Then we both realized we were adults pushing 30, had a good laugh, and made some juicier fart noises.

So the main cast of Star Wars Episode VII was released yesterday. See link. Old and new together in the picture on IMDB is pretty cool. I am assuming since JJ has already made two Star Wars films (he called them Star Trek for some odd reason) that this one will be pretty good because he's had lot of practice.

In 2006 I purchased a Mac Book Pro (the first model with an Intel Processor). Now a lot of things get said about Apple and their products and their pricing. I have even said plenty of negative things about Apple. But let me say this. In the eight years of service, this computer has never crashed, frozen (let it go) or had a virus. It’s been through college, the wobbly time after college, marriage, four years of World of Warcraft addiction, World of Warcraft detox, two charger cables, three batteries and only one small chassis crack. I got my money out of this laptop. I am replacing it this summer not because it doesn’t perform, but because a 60 GB hard drive doesn’t cut it in 2014 and its model can no longer accept OS software updates. Eight years. Goodbye old friend.

I find it amazing I was able to produce a blog post today. The brain works!

You're welcome.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Mad Men, ET and Stuff

A few things of note.

Last night while watching Mad Men, I noticed that during every commercial break, someone was trying to sell me breakfast food. It stuck me what a good idea it is to advertise breakfast food after 10 pm on a Sunday night during a show about advertising. Most working adults watching will probably be heading bed soon after the show. And the last thing on their minds other than Don Draper’s beautiful stare? That’s right, Jimmie Dean’s sausage biscuits. Much advertising, such meta, wow! Just so you know, I am impervious to subliminal advertising. I had a Mountain Dew and Cheez-its for breakfast this morning… Oh crap, they mentioned Mountain Dew in the episode last night.

So, over the weekend, a Microsoft-backed documentary team went into the New Mexico desert digging for the infamous buried copies of the dreadfully awful Atari game, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. If you’re not familiar, E.T. is widely considered one of the worst videogames ever made. It is the poster boy of the 1983 videogame crash. Legend has it that Atari buried thousands of copies in a New Mexico landfill after it was clear they couldn’t sell them. Many believed this was just rumor. This weekend proved otherwise.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 comes out the week. Despite my lack of enthusiasm, my marching orders have been assigned by the boss (wife) and I will be seeing it Friday. If you’re nice, I’ll do a write up.

Finally, I’d like to shout out to a few people who recently entered the blog-o-sphere:

First, go checkout Random Ramblings of a Running Princess to read all about the exploits of my beautiful wife and her many adventures.

Second, take a look at Live, Laugh, List if you’re into living, laughing and listing.

You’re Welcome.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

T-Shirts, NFL Schedule and Stuff

A few things of note.

A few weeks ago I had dinner with my sister. We had not seen one another since Christmas. But this isn't a see my family more mushy crap crap post. When I got out of the car in the parking lot, the very first thing she said to me was, "You got a new T-Shirt!" I think when people who don't see you very often notice when you get a new T-shirt, you have a problem. By the way, it was a brand new t-shirt purchased that very weekend, but that's not the point. Further examination of the issue via facebook photos uncovered a shocking truth; I dress like a cartoon character. I counted five t-shirts in two years worth of pictures on facebook. More over, in several consecutive holiday photos spanning multiple years, I wore the exact same thing. Often at work, I look down at my name tag and notice I am wearing the same shirt I wore for the employee picture on my tag; six and a half years ago. The pair of hiking boots I wear around all the time, got them in 1999. If I didn't look like a balloon of my younger self, and HD camera technology didn't drawer huge red arrows pointing straight at my forehead wrinkles, I could probably collage all these pictures together and convince you it was a really long summer vacation.

Apparently it's big news when the NFL releases its game schedule. I already knew my Browns would lose eleven games this season, I guess now I know when they will lose them. Aces. I guess this is for people who plan on getting game tickets. So not me, because football (at least NFL) is better on my couch than in person.

Speaking of facebook, it's become rather boring over there (pictures of food, children, pets, what character from some fictional universe are you surveys, and constant links to annoying websites and blogs no one wants to read :P). I think I'll spend more time here and on the Twitter. @TheRealHoboDan

If you like games with loot grinding 4-player online coop and awesome SNES style art, go check out Secrets of Grindea. It's not out yet, but soon.

You're welcome.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Bitcorn, Powdered Alcohol and Stuff

A few things of note.

I sat through a webinar about bitcoin today. When I originally wrote that prior sentence, I made a type-o, misspelling bitcoin as bitcorn. Because spell-check flags bitcoin wrong every time, I overlooked the error until much later. When I did find it, I laughed so hard I deleted my previous ramblings about bitcoin so I could focus on bitcorn.  Bitcorn, in my honest opinion, is a much more suitable currency than bitcoin. First, since bitcorn is a physical commodity, commonly know as candy corn, it is not reliant on computers and technology. Second, bitcorn is not deflationary, as every year millions of pieces of candy corn are produced that no one eats, because it is terrible. Therefore, unlike bitcoin, we will always have more bitcorn to use in financial transactions. Prepare for the bitcorn wars. You have been warned.

I found this article about "powdered alcohol". It's not really a good article, but it made me aware that there is such a thing as powdered alcohol, so it has that going for it.

I ran a 5k this weekend in Pittsburgh. For not running in 6 months, I did okay. By okay, I mean I did not puke on home plate at PNC park.

We have fully caught up with Big Bang Theory episodes and are now reliant on the live TV schedule to watch episodes. This is devastating news.

You're Welcome