So let’s get something strait. I don’t have money to go see all the movies. Sorry. I know you all desperately crave my opinion on everything but I don’t just crap money; believe me I’ve tried. Anyways, this lack of movie going potential has led me to this post. I’ll be previewing movies and letting you know through a very simple rating system if I think you should see them or not. I have three basic hype ratings for the talkies. Category one, go see it in theatre. Category two, wait for Netflix or rental. Category three, I would only see this movie if you tied me to a chair and wired my eyes open like in A Clockwork Orange. I think those are pretty clear. Not like that ridiculous star system some critics use. What exactly differentiates a movie with three stars from one with three and a half? Probably nudity. Oh, and one more thing before we get started. When I do suggest a movie, and it happens to be in 3D as well as regular, I want you to see it in regular old 2D. My feelings about 3D are pretty clear, but I will reiterate. 3D is a blight on an already unoriginal industry that uses new technology to push forward instead of good writing and creative cinematography. If a movie is only good in 3D, then it was never good to begin with.
I think it goes without saying that far and away the movie of the spring I’m waiting for the most is Thor. And yes I know it comes out in May, but I'm counting it as spring anyways because there are a lot of movies this year; so shove off. If you’re not familiar, Thor is being produced by Marvel Comics and is an adaption of their popular comic line of the same name. Thor is the mythological the Norse god of thunder among other things. If you don’t know much about Norse mythology because all they ever teach in school is crappy Greek and Roman (which are the same damned thing!) then you are in for a real treat. Another reason to be excited is the director, Kenneth Branagh, who is best know for directing and acting in just about every Shakespeare play ever. Throw in Sir Anthony Hopkins as Odin and how can this movie be bad? I’ll be seeing this one in theatres come rain, shine or Ragnarok. May 6.
I guess if I'm counting May as spring then I have to mention Pirates of the Caribbean: on Stranger Tides. For someone who didn't really care for the second and third Pirates movies, I could care even less about this money grab. That being said, Johnny Depp will probably make it watchable. I would usually call this one a wait until Netflix, but I guess I forgot to mention the super secret fourth category: my wife is making me go. So chances are I'll be dropping coin at the theatre for this one. May 20 *pretends to be excited*
I wasn't sure about Battle: Los Angeles when I saw the first preview. Not much for camera shaking and quick cuts, but the Super Bowl ad caught my eye. I do also like the acting of Aaron Eckhart, even before he was Two Face. Unfortunately, I just don't see enough time in the schedule for this one. Netflix it is. March 11.
There is a new movie coming out directed by the same person who did the Twilight movies! Aren't you excited? Yeah, me neither; Red Riding Hood think I'd rather eat dirt and poop sandwiched between urine cakes. Also March 11 if you really wanted to know.
I'd kind of want to see Sucker Punch! in theatres because Zach Synder movies look better on the big screen. That said, I doubt I'll see it until Netflix. March 25
I know my wife is going to try and get me to see Scream 4. I am going to fight her with all my heart and soul. As if the first two sequels weren't testament enough on how to milk a franchise. Category three, I'd like to forget they are making this movie to begin with. Unfortunately the wife will probably win this battle because it's close to her birthday. Ugh. April 15.
For some reason I had no idea until a few days ago that The Hangover 2 comes out in May. Not that I’m super excited for it, but that's a pretty big movie to have had no trailers in circulation. I enjoyed the first one the first time I watched it; the following billion times my wife made me watch it have started to wear on me. What made the first film work was it’s out of nowhere antics that provided some shock value. If all this sequel provides is a rehashing of the first, Ah la Home Alone 2, where all they do is up the crazy and keep everything else the same I’ll be sad face. This is in theaters for me only because my wife will force it. I’m pretty sure I’ll know if it’s worth it five minutes in. May 26.
So yeah, there are a ton of movies on the horizon, and I'm not going to cover them all. Anything I didn't get here, please feel free to ask me about in the comments. I'll try my best to give you my honest and sarcastic opionion.
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