Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Tire

If you've never been to Pike County Ohio before, stop what you are doing right now, get up, go find a map, find Pike Co. and draw a huge RED X over it. Now every time you look at the map, this X should remind you to NEVER go to Pike Co. Ohio.

Let me start anew. This past weekend I had the opportunity to go see some friends and Cincinnati. I took this opportunity. It's about a three hour drive from my home in West Virginia to the city of Skyline and terrible football teams. Pike County Ohio is about half way in between. This hell sent stretch of road is completely devoid of anything. There are no towns. There are no gas stations. There is little to no cell service. There aren't even any Adult Book stores, which is just shocking. This would be the perfect place for murderers, mobsters, rapists and politicians to hide out.

Oh, well shit, let me begin again... If you read this blog occasionally, you probably read about all my car trouble earlier in the summer, aka The Mouse and the subsequent break downs. It is in this vehicle of death; a car that begins seizures like shakes at 55 mph, I decided to leave the safety of home and set out upon the open road.

I think most of you have probably figured out what's next. So, instead of boring you to death (I hope no one has died yet) the next portion of this tale will be over blown and exaggerated for thematic effect. I was just driving along, minding my own business when out of no where my front driver side tire explodes in a violent rage. Shrapnel is sent flying in every direction. I am sent swerving across the road. I hit the edge of the road and flip fifteen times down the highway before landing again. At this point I was still traveling at well over fifty miles an hour! The car careens left and right and only my nerves of steel and great strength are able the pull the car under control and bring it to a stop. For any one who is really worried about it, all that really happened was the tire when flat for no reason and I had to pull over.

Okay, minor set back. No problem. So I got out of the car, removed the flat and replaced it with the trusty old donut. I've driven for miles on these miniature tires before. Not only are they great in a pinch, but they are also delicious. Less than ten minutes later I'm back on the road, leaning slightly forward because of the minuscule spare; but moving again. It's about now, maybe a mile or so later, that the spare goes flat as well. Sure...

It's 3:30 PM. I think I already mentioned I was driving through the middle of butt fucking nowhere? Did I also mention that on this day everyone decided to stop answering their phones? I called wife, mom, dad and finally the friend I was going to see before anyone picked up. My cell service was already terrible. I called my insurance company, surprisingly they did pick up. Unfortunately they only offered to come change to the spare for me for free. Well, I've already done that! After I get off the phone with them, I received a thousand text message and voice mails from everyone I just called. They all flew in at once as if the gods of cell service opened their bum holes and took a text crap on me. My poor phone couldn't keep up. I get a hold of everyone and finally decide the best (cheapest) course is for mom to come get me, take the flat to Walmart in Jackson Ohio (50 mins back the way I came) and then go back to the middle of BFE and change it, again. Mom will take about and hour to get to me. It is now 5:00 PM, do you know where your kids are?

Oh, the things you can see in Pike County Ohio, while sitting on the side of a deserted highway, in the course of one hour. First, all said and done, I sat out there for about three hours. Not a single soul stopped to see if I was okay. Not a single cop drove by and stopped. I was on my own. Somewhere around 5:15ish I spotted three guys running on the opposite side of the road. Ah, fellow runners! Once they got closer I realized it was one mid-20's guy running behind two fat 12 year-olds. All shirtless, they passed me, ran a few more yards and crossed to my side of the road. They stopped and took a drink of water they were carrying and started running back, toward me. The fat kids looked to be in absolute pain. This must be some sort of forced run. Punishment maybe for eating all the Twinkies in Pike county? I'll never know.

Soon after I large convoy of ATV rolls past me in the weeds off the road. They quickly passed and shot up into the trees and hills. As they disappear I can almost hear the banjos playing in the distance. It's going to be dark soon. Mommy, please hurry...

About 15 after six Mom rolls in to save the day. Well, relatively speaking. We still have to drive 50 mins to Jackson, get the new tire, drive 50 mins back to the car and change it. Then I get to drive and hour and a half home. If you didn't figure it out, I never made it to Cincinnati. I'm not complain though; it could have been worse. Just as I finished changing the tire on the side of the road, in the dark; the creepy ATV hillbillies came rolling back down the hill. I finished changing the tire and got the hell out of there. So, at least I escaped the man on man on pig hillbilly rape.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

To: North Pole

Dear Santa,

A co-worker made me eat a hot pepper at lunch today. And don't give me that bull shit about no one can MAKE me do anything I don't want to. You weren't there; for all you know they could have held me at gun point and force fed me the pepper. Maybe they ground it up into a juice and gave me a Mexican enema, you don't know, you weren't there. I know, I know, you see me when I'm sleeping, but you only KNOW when I'm awake; you don't KNOW what I'm doing while awake. It says so in the damned song, you creeper.

Anyways Santa, I'm writing today to ask for some new underwear and pants because that pepper has me firebombing Dresden. Maybe you could get me an ipad to help with the moisture, I'm told they do everything. Better send Rudolph, assuming that red nose is just a really bad sinus infection; in which case he won't smell a thing. Hey, while your at it, some milk would be nice, I know you have extra. If you really drank all the milk you calm you'd be shitting cheese by now. I just don't buy it.

So, pants, underwear, ipad, milk; got it Santa? Oh yeah, I'm going to need all that right now, it can't wait till Christmas. And none of this chimney crap, just come to the front door, seriously.

Sincerely Yours,
Hobo Dan

P.S. Baby Wipes may not be a bad idea...