Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year

Goodbye 2010, you son of a bitch...

Have some music....



If you are not aware that was originally Nothing Else Matters by Metallica.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Update

This is a test of the emergency blogcast system. This is only a test. In case of a real emergency, this message would be followed with instructions to place your head between your knees and kiss your taint goodbye. This blog is under going some changes. Deal with it.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Tire

If you've never been to Pike County Ohio before, stop what you are doing right now, get up, go find a map, find Pike Co. and draw a huge RED X over it. Now every time you look at the map, this X should remind you to NEVER go to Pike Co. Ohio.

Let me start anew. This past weekend I had the opportunity to go see some friends and Cincinnati. I took this opportunity. It's about a three hour drive from my home in West Virginia to the city of Skyline and terrible football teams. Pike County Ohio is about half way in between. This hell sent stretch of road is completely devoid of anything. There are no towns. There are no gas stations. There is little to no cell service. There aren't even any Adult Book stores, which is just shocking. This would be the perfect place for murderers, mobsters, rapists and politicians to hide out.

Oh, well shit, let me begin again... If you read this blog occasionally, you probably read about all my car trouble earlier in the summer, aka The Mouse and the subsequent break downs. It is in this vehicle of death; a car that begins seizures like shakes at 55 mph, I decided to leave the safety of home and set out upon the open road.

I think most of you have probably figured out what's next. So, instead of boring you to death (I hope no one has died yet) the next portion of this tale will be over blown and exaggerated for thematic effect. I was just driving along, minding my own business when out of no where my front driver side tire explodes in a violent rage. Shrapnel is sent flying in every direction. I am sent swerving across the road. I hit the edge of the road and flip fifteen times down the highway before landing again. At this point I was still traveling at well over fifty miles an hour! The car careens left and right and only my nerves of steel and great strength are able the pull the car under control and bring it to a stop. For any one who is really worried about it, all that really happened was the tire when flat for no reason and I had to pull over.

Okay, minor set back. No problem. So I got out of the car, removed the flat and replaced it with the trusty old donut. I've driven for miles on these miniature tires before. Not only are they great in a pinch, but they are also delicious. Less than ten minutes later I'm back on the road, leaning slightly forward because of the minuscule spare; but moving again. It's about now, maybe a mile or so later, that the spare goes flat as well. Sure...

It's 3:30 PM. I think I already mentioned I was driving through the middle of butt fucking nowhere? Did I also mention that on this day everyone decided to stop answering their phones? I called wife, mom, dad and finally the friend I was going to see before anyone picked up. My cell service was already terrible. I called my insurance company, surprisingly they did pick up. Unfortunately they only offered to come change to the spare for me for free. Well, I've already done that! After I get off the phone with them, I received a thousand text message and voice mails from everyone I just called. They all flew in at once as if the gods of cell service opened their bum holes and took a text crap on me. My poor phone couldn't keep up. I get a hold of everyone and finally decide the best (cheapest) course is for mom to come get me, take the flat to Walmart in Jackson Ohio (50 mins back the way I came) and then go back to the middle of BFE and change it, again. Mom will take about and hour to get to me. It is now 5:00 PM, do you know where your kids are?

Oh, the things you can see in Pike County Ohio, while sitting on the side of a deserted highway, in the course of one hour. First, all said and done, I sat out there for about three hours. Not a single soul stopped to see if I was okay. Not a single cop drove by and stopped. I was on my own. Somewhere around 5:15ish I spotted three guys running on the opposite side of the road. Ah, fellow runners! Once they got closer I realized it was one mid-20's guy running behind two fat 12 year-olds. All shirtless, they passed me, ran a few more yards and crossed to my side of the road. They stopped and took a drink of water they were carrying and started running back, toward me. The fat kids looked to be in absolute pain. This must be some sort of forced run. Punishment maybe for eating all the Twinkies in Pike county? I'll never know.

Soon after I large convoy of ATV rolls past me in the weeds off the road. They quickly passed and shot up into the trees and hills. As they disappear I can almost hear the banjos playing in the distance. It's going to be dark soon. Mommy, please hurry...

About 15 after six Mom rolls in to save the day. Well, relatively speaking. We still have to drive 50 mins to Jackson, get the new tire, drive 50 mins back to the car and change it. Then I get to drive and hour and a half home. If you didn't figure it out, I never made it to Cincinnati. I'm not complain though; it could have been worse. Just as I finished changing the tire on the side of the road, in the dark; the creepy ATV hillbillies came rolling back down the hill. I finished changing the tire and got the hell out of there. So, at least I escaped the man on man on pig hillbilly rape.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

To: North Pole

Dear Santa,

A co-worker made me eat a hot pepper at lunch today. And don't give me that bull shit about no one can MAKE me do anything I don't want to. You weren't there; for all you know they could have held me at gun point and force fed me the pepper. Maybe they ground it up into a juice and gave me a Mexican enema, you don't know, you weren't there. I know, I know, you see me when I'm sleeping, but you only KNOW when I'm awake; you don't KNOW what I'm doing while awake. It says so in the damned song, you creeper.

Anyways Santa, I'm writing today to ask for some new underwear and pants because that pepper has me firebombing Dresden. Maybe you could get me an ipad to help with the moisture, I'm told they do everything. Better send Rudolph, assuming that red nose is just a really bad sinus infection; in which case he won't smell a thing. Hey, while your at it, some milk would be nice, I know you have extra. If you really drank all the milk you calm you'd be shitting cheese by now. I just don't buy it.

So, pants, underwear, ipad, milk; got it Santa? Oh yeah, I'm going to need all that right now, it can't wait till Christmas. And none of this chimney crap, just come to the front door, seriously.

Sincerely Yours,
Hobo Dan

P.S. Baby Wipes may not be a bad idea...

Monday, June 21, 2010

Toy Story 3

There are probably a lot of people who are going to disagree with what I say next. The Toy Story trilogy ranks right up there with the original Star Wars trilogy and The Lord of the Rings. There, I said it, flame war engage! All three trilogy's share some very common factors. They all pushed the cutting edge of technology for their time. They all have deep, emotional stories and very memorable characters. The stories they tell are important and true to life.

As you probably figured out, I watched Toy Story 3 over the weekend. The only negative I can take away from it is that the first two films were just so damned good that it felt done before. That's it! The movies was perfect. It looked phenomenal. As always the voices were great, the story was funny and touching and emotional and action packed. It was the perfect ending to the trilogy. I could go on. I could spew hellfire to get you to agree that this trilogy is equal with Star Wars and LotR, but I won't because the films speak for themselves.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Camping Trip


I love camping. There is no better way to just relax and get away from noise and cell phones. You can bring your cell phone with you, but it won't work; at least, not where we went. Over the weekend, starting Thursday, the wife and I packed up and went camping. We borrowed the canvas pop up camper from Mom, thanks Mom, and made way to Hocking Hills State Forest. We went there last year as well so I'll only say that if you haven't been there you are really missing out. Another coupe we know joined us on Friday, camping and friends go so well together.

So it's just hot and humid. I complain a lot on here, but I try not to went talking about camping. Camping is my Zen place, or my Ka for any DarkTower junkies. Camping is just the best; hot or cold, rain or shine. Unfortunately, we got a good dose of hot and rain. It wasn't a damper (no pun) on the weekend, just another part of it. The couple that came with us had no idea how to get there. For the record it is out of the way. I gave them directions, but my directions have taken people the wrong way before; a certain attendee from my wife's last birthday can attest. So I was nervious when it cam time to meet them. I'll state again, there is little to no cell phone service there. It's a good twenty to thirty mile drive to get it. I went to the predetermined meeting place a little early and sat in the back of the truck and relaxed. Generally I despise waiting, but I was camping, so no problem. Then the rain came.

This was a downpour for the ages. When they pulled into the parking area I didn't even see them until they were parked right beside me. Normally I would be pissed about the rain. No, I'm camping, bitch! Nothing is going to get me down. They follow me up the narrow and curvy road to the camp site and we arrive to see it had become a mud slide. We packed inside the camper; four people or various sizes and two dogs; Winston our small Miniature Schnauzer and Issac, their large Golden Retriever. I wasn't cramped, but it was close. it didn't help that our small dog with an inferiority complex had to bark at everyone who came in the door. He also barked when they left and again when they came back in; as if he completely forgot who they were in the two minutes they were gone. This did stop after a while, but at first and during the rain storm it was, testing.

We had dinner ready and soon after it was dry enough to go outside and try to make a fire. I love camp fires. I don't love making camp fires out of wet wood. It's not imposable, just difficult. But I pushed on and got that fire started and it was good. I looked past it low burn and constant need of tending. I was able to make peace with all the chair being wet. I sat on a log for the fire. That was fine although I had to stand from time to time. The log was standing up strait and it was just barely thick enough. I have conjured several jokes about it being too thin to sit on, but I decided not to go there right now. I guess the camping vibe is still with me.

The next day we hiked more and it rained more. We ate and it got super humid. But people here is the truth; it didn't bother me, because I was camping. If all the crap happened to me in a regular day, the blog make have gone:

So I'm sick. Hot Damn! There is nothing better than being sick and camping and it's so humid a fish just swam by my face! Think of all the days it doesn't rain and the one it does, I'm on vacation and sick. Head cold; irony that I have a cold yet I'm hot as hell and sweating like a fat guy at the county fair eating a funnel cake. My head is so stuffed I'm just waiting for the alien to bust out of my sinus and go terrorize Signorine Weaver...

But I didn't do that. I won't do that. I don't feel that way and writing that was hard because I just don't have it in me right now. Don't worry, I'm sure angry Hobo Dan will return at some point, but for now I'm on camping high.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Epic Fast Food FAIL!

I am sick; not in the head like most of you are probably thinking. I have a head cold or sinus problem or some damned allergy to everything. I felt terrible at work today, I just wanted to run the letter opener through my skull. I got through work and came home. Vacation days, yay! No work for me till Monday. Nothing can go wrong... you all know me too well.

We don't cook too much anymore. We are lazy, poor and out of food. So we went out. Where? How about Taco Bell, fast, cheap; not particularly good, but it better than nothing. Taco Bell it is. So we get to Taco Bell and the guy in the speaker box tell us it's a twenty minute wait! WTF? What do they make at Taco Bell that could take twenty minutes? Ten? Five? Maybe the secret underpaid Mexican they have working in the basement all quit? I don't know.

Where do we eat now? How about KFC. Everyone loves KFC. We get there and ask if they have any of the their grilled chicken ready, they answer: "No, but we could put some down for you." Wha-huh? You could put some down for us? Now I'm no fast food expert, I did however work at McDonalds for nine months and generally when we ran out of something, we "put some down" even if there wasn't anyone waiting. So I asked how long it would take and they answered; twenty minutes. That must be the super secret magic number of the night.

We went on dismayed. Arby's? Sure. We pull up to the speaker, no hello. Silence. About five minutes later we order and get food. After all that I get my nourishment and feel a little better. I still can't figure out what caused a twenty minute wait at Taco Bell.

Tonight was a Massive Fast Food Fail!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Blogs?

Blogs... What are we really doing with these oddly named entities? Sure there are all kinds of themed blogs which have very particular purpose: you have movie blogs and music blogs; even gossip blogs. But are all the blogs themed? Do they all have such narrow focus? I struggle to find real focus with my own blog. So what am I, or anyone else for that matter, trying to accomplish with a public blog?

I've used the excuse; I am using this blog as a forum for my writing. It is a way to keep me writing and make me accountable for what I say, because it's public. Is that really what I'm doing? Well there is only one piece of fiction on this blog (which no one has bothered to comment on). The rest of the blog is fairly auto biographical. Not to say I never embellish the stories or add colorful adjectives to make then funnier. So the question then becomes, as long as I am writing, even nonfiction, it counts as writing, right?

Perhaps I want to give some incite into my fascinating life, for those not fortunate enough to be highly involved. Then again, I don't think I'm that interesting in the first place. I certainly don't want to read about myself all the time. It's funny because a famous person can write the same bullshit kind of stuff I write and get tons of people to read it. I should just get famous, like it's hard or something.

It's not that I'm just desperate for attention. We all on some level or another everyone enjoys attention, but I'm not actively seeking more and more of it. Or am I? Maybe that's what a blog is really all about. Attention. In writing this blog, am I seeking the attention and approval of others, if only subconsciously? That seems like the likely case. If I were really just writing for myself I'd put all this in my poor neglected journal I scribble in every now and then. But my ego must have gotten the better of me to start putting this nonsensical writing in to public domain. Like anyone wants to read about my car trouble...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Holeless Pillow

It's rare to find that one person in life who can make your day better in one sentence.

Oh, the suck I have endured. I bitch a lot about the wife's car, so I'll only say, it still sucks. Hard. We've spent money and time on it, we are frustrated. Things are out of hand. The house is a mess. Clothes, they aren't washed. We had to use the remainder of the Disney Princess paper plates from her birthday party to eat dinner. We have no food at the house; none. We DO have a giant tower of pizza boxes.

The truck I am using to drive while her car is being worked on? Its breaks went out on me today! THE BREAKS WENT OUT! You realize I was driving when this happened? WTF!!???!!? I could have seriously wrecked. I am not making this up.

My wife has been driving my car that she is too short for. She has to use a pillow under her and behind her to see and reach the pedals at the same time. One of the pillows is also a pillow we use in the house. We are short on pillows? Are we poor or some shit? She picked me up and drove me home, then we went out for dinner because of the no food thing. Downtrodden. I probably have to mow the grass soon, I hate that. Our mailbox is falling down. I stepped in dog shit while taking the dog out, to shit. Am I trying to find everything wrong with the world?

Tomorrow I have to catch a ride with a co-worker to work. First she has to pick me up, then drop her kids at school. I am riding the school bus to work? The next day, also bumming a ride. Hobo Dan anyone? I have no idea how I'm getting to work Saturday. All of this and more are on and in my mind. God why, oh why.

We get back from Subway. I open the door to the car and step out. The wife stops me and says:

"Get my pillow out, the one WITHOUT the hole in it."

I cannot stop laughing. If you don't get it, I guess you just had to be there.

Monday, May 24, 2010

A Loss for Words

I'm sitting here, on my shaky chair, attempting to assemble a thought. Just one. This damned chair wobbles so much; I want to smash it. That's why we can't have nice things. There is a precious moments candle on the table. You know, the kind with those creepy ass kids giving you the stink eye. A wedding gift I think, the wife says "It smells like ass"; so we have never burnt it. It just sits there, looking at me with its future serial killers of America on it. We had a precious moments cake topper for our wedding by the way, that wasn't so creepy; but this candle is making me paranoid.

I have off tomorrow what should I do? Well shit kids that's a rhetorical question. Tomorrow I have to take my wife's taint of a car to Huntington to the dealership to get worked on because the little POS still won't run. If the TV I bought last Christmas needed as much maintenance as the cars we own, I would not stand for it. Did you ever think of that? Break it down, most of the stuff we buy needs much less maintenance than our cars. Hell, I guarantee my wife and I use our TV more hours a day than our cars. I'm sorry I don't have to change the oil in my TV, or check the fucking tire pressure! Car companies are you listening? no...

Sorry about that, Hobo Dan came out for a second and typed some angry shit. He's an angry Hobo sometimes. I'll explain him to you someday; not now. Well, precious moments have just about finished eye raping me for now. Remember everyone, only you can prevent terrible wedding gifts like this damned candle.

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Bad Friday

There are no words. Even as I try to conjugate them, they will be nothing more than simple words. Words. WORDS!

This rather short antidote is best understood when preface by earlier events. If you are a regular follower of this fine blog, then certainly you read about The Mouse. You see, I wrote that harrowing tale all too soon. A great many events followed it. To my disdain, the car which that clever little rodent chose to inhabit broke down only days after his arrival. It just stopped. Well as you can imagine, upon hearing this news, my lovely, caring, compassionate and all knowing wife made her expert opinion be known. That little vermin must have been the reason for the car's sudden reluctance to start. I reassured her this was probably not the case. For a week the car was in the shop. The verdict? A blown fuse going into the starter, probably blown by some sort of short in the wiring. How ever did this short come about? The mechanic suggests that a mouse very well could have caused such damage.

Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it. DAMN IT! No matter what I say or what I do, damn it, she is ALWAYS right!

Now that's out of my system. Friday was just an unimaginably awful day. The guy that coined the saying "Life sucks and then you die." must have had a whole bunch of these kind of days. Friday was suppose to be the first day of a few days of vacation for me. Oh, don't worry, I didn't get called into work. OH, no, I would have gladly went back to work to prevent the following events! So the day started off fine and well. I drove the wife to pick up her car before work, because it was finally done. Great news! Of course when she hears the probable cause of the break down, she never hesitates to let me know how right she was. Maybe she should of been a mechanic! If she, with zero knowledge of cars, was able to solve this break down; perhaps she could be creating the first super clean, super fast car of the future that will save the planet from global warming and in turn Al Gore! Alas we shall never know.

So she drives off to work. I go home to revel in the glory of a day off. Later, I receive a text from the wife letting me know that the car smells of dead mouse. This news brightens the day further. At least it's dead; now I just have to solve that problem. Soon I sit down for some relaxing video games; peace. It's right then, that she calls me. We have just pissing-down-a-hair-clogged-drain bad cell phone service at our house. I cannot believe I was able to hear what she said. "Car won't start. I'm at Krodel park." I'm not even mad. For a moment I just stand there, bent in some funny angle striving for the optimum cell service of one bar. "Sure." That's the best I can manage before leaving to pick her up.

Now would be a good time to progress back in time two hours to lunch. I took my wife to Burger King. We made a short stop at Auto Zone to get some smell killing items to help cleanse the rank of rotting mouse carcass. My wife make some incendiary remark about being from Gallia county Ohio as I exit the car. I didn't really hear it and paid it no mind. When I return to the car, she asks me why I have a huge hole in the arm pit of my shirt. I have no idea. Her off hand comment from before was about how I am properly dressed for Gallia county life, with the hole and all. She failed to stop me from entering the store looking like a complete idiot. Thanks, I love you too.

So back to the broken down mouse coffin. I dropped her off at work and proceed back to the repair shop to spread the tidings and good news. As I park, and set out of the car, the unthinkable happens. The hole in the arm pit of my shirt grabs hold of the door. Before I can stop myself, I am pushing the door shut. As the door rips through the air and my very soul, it rips a LARGE piece of my shirt. The gash reaches across my chest so that my sexy hair covered abs are gleaming in the sun light. Sure. So I walk into the repair shop and notify them of the trouble. They all look at my shirt, but no one asks me about it and I never mention it. It's for the best, I think.

I have no spare shirts. I also don't want to go home and get one. I have to pick the wife up from work. Lucky for me, the repair shop is right next to a dollar general. Now, with a clear mind, free of the stress of the day, I would never walk into this store to buy a $2 shirt dress like that. On this day I would. It was helpful that the credit card reader was working horrendously slow. I spent twenty minutes in line and paying with my gashed shirt on. It was great, especially when I saw a customer I see at work all the time. You know the customer who never sees me in anything but a shirt and tie. She pretended not to know me; I know she recognized me. Back in the car, the shirt is exchanged and that crisis is over. What should I do now.

A hair cut! Yes, I have time to kill before picking up the wife; I'll go to Wal Mart and get a hair cut. Nothing about this could go wrong. Wal Mart is an American institution. It is at the very heart of our being. Wal Mart is the best. End sarcasm. One more thing, the shirt I bought is a kind of athletic polo shirt. Kind of like a golf shirt, but much, much, much, MUCH cheaper in cost and design. As the Wal Mart is over run with the best society has to offer, I am forced to park in the very back of the lot. What next? People, I can't make this shit up. The clouds opened up as I trekked across the parking lot and the rain fell. The rain poured. The sky took a big old piss on me. And what of my new cheap shirt? It became a new, wet and very see through cheap shirt. Everyone knows what happens to nipples in water, so I won't waste your time on that. Drenched, I drag myself into Wal Mart and find the hair place. After a short wait, I am seated and getting a trim. As soon as I sit, I let out a loud sigh. The hair cut lady just gives me a once over look. Maybe it was the outwardly perturbed look on my face, you all know the face I'm talking about. Maybe it was my nipples, glaring her in the face through my shirt. One of those things prompted her to ask...

"Rough day?" I smiled to myself.

"Yeah." There are no words.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Let the Fire Fall

Short story time! This is the first part of a currently unfinished short story. If you like it comment and provide thoughts on where I might be going with it. Hate it? Let me know why, no one ever improved their writing without criticism.

Let the Fire Fall

The once magnificent cityscape had now been reduced to mere rubble. Formerly the centerpiece of high civilization, now lay ruined by war and fear. The monolithic buildings whose heads once peaked into the heavens were now cement skeletons of their former selves. Debris and gore littered the ancient streets where great operas and plays once drew audience. The sky was dark, polluted by smoke and dust; midday seemed like dusk and midnight, death itself. Citizens ran in fear from the city, as soldiers marched, orderly into it. They defended other cities and after this one, more would surely follow.

Sparse machine gun chatter provided beat as a small group of regulars crept through a particularly rubble cluttered street. Each dressed in the standard grey of their military. Only a patch on their left arm could tell regular from officer. They had no officer with them though; he was dead. All of them were covered in dark soot, which masked most of their telling features. They held their rifles at ready and moved cautiously through the shallow valleys of rock and metal. A heavy smoke lingered in the air, which made looking ahead almost impossible. As they moved through the street, the sound of artillery echoed in the distance. A few of the men shuttered, but the rest were far to accustom to the sound to even notice. Without thinking the lead man cocked up his arm and all in the group dropped to he ground, or behind some rubble. The lead man did the same, but occasionally risked a look ahead to where he had been looking. A figure appeared out of the haze, running. The lead man yelled out, and when the answer was satisfactory, all the others came out of hiding to meet this new comer.

But he wasn’t a new comer at all. He was a scout they had sent forward three days before. Their officer had sent him to see what lay ahead, before he died. The man was breathing hard, but took time to swallow a copious amount of water when it was offered. “Those bastards have taken every bridge along the west side.” He began. “The east side doesn’t look much better, but there seems to be more resistance there.” He slowly looked around the group. “Where’s the Cap?”

“They shot him yesterday. Took two others as well.” Said the leader of the group. He looked at the ground. “Let the fire fall.”

“Shit, yeah.” The scout said remorsefully. “So what’s the plan now?” The leader didn’t answer. “Dan? What the hell are we gonna do now!”

“We’re gonna go on with our mission and take the fiftieth street bridge. We’re gonna hold it until backup arrives, then we will wait for new orders. That is what we are going to do!” Dan looked at the scout.

“Are you fucking crazy? There are ten of us now! We can’t hold a bridge against them!” he looked around at their faces. “You guys gonna do just like your told aren’t you?” No one answered. He shook his head. “I’m done with this war, with all of it. I’m done with all of you!” He stood and removed his regular patch. “Here”, he handed it to Dan.

Dan pulled out his handgun and cocked it. “You’re not done.” He said flatly. The scout turned to face him. Dan pulled the trigger and let two rounds fly into the scout’s chest. He walked over to the squirming body and put another shot into his head. Dan turned to the rest of the group.

“Anyone else wanna leave?” Silence. “Then move out! James, take point for a while. Matt, burn the body, we don’t need him coming back.” The red headed boy walked over to the scout’s body. He peered into the scout’s still open eyes and pulled the trigger of his flamethrower. After the burning, they moved on from that spot without looking back.

It began to get dark when Andrew James motioned for them to take cover. Dan, still hovering in back of the group, quickly moved forward to get eyes on the situation. He moved past Matt and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“What’s up?” He asked of James.

“Heard gun fire, closer than it has sounded all day. I reckon we’re close enough to the bridge that Scotty may have been right. Seems there might be some resistance up here.”

“We should still move carefully,” Dan looked rather bleak. “I would rather not get into the middle of someone else’s fight.” He looked back at the group and motioned a hearty looking lad forward. “Get up there and have a look. Get back here quickly! Go!” The boy shot forward into the smoky darkness.

“You sent George?” James mocked.

“Yeah.”

“You know he’s slow as hell and just as dumb?”

“Yeah.” Dan continued looking forward to where the gunfire sound was emanating. James looked into his eyes for an answer. “He may be a dumb shit,” Dan said finally “But he’s loyal. He won’t run off on me when given the chance.” James was becoming quite wary of Dan’s leadership abilities, his face showed it. They entrenched themselves there for sometime, waiting on George to return with a report. Some of them ate, some of them smoked, very few slept. As Dan lit a cigarette, a figure stumbled out of the darkness. Dan was so startled by it he burnt his fingers. Cussing under his breath he raised his rifle, the rest of the troop did the same.

George came fumbling out of the darkness. To their horror, he was missing an arm and a chunk of his skull was showing; he was drenched in his own crimson blood. He stopped and looked at them all. Dan stared into his eyes for a moment. “Well?” George nodded his head and fell to the ground, dead. “Burn ‘im!” Dan yelled as he walked past the body. Matt did as he was told. James came up beside Dan.

“What the hell?”

“We move in.” Dan was looking very out of body.

“What? Are you fucking craz—“ Dan had wheeled around to face him, pistol out.

“I am not crazy, I assure you.” James nodded in a hesitant agreement and the group walked on, toward the gunfire.

Night had fallen, but there were some piles of burning rubble to mark their way now, as they came nearer the action. The machinegun chatter increased in volume as they went onward. Dan took lead again, they didn’t stop; they weren’t moving carefully now. They came to an intersection, they should have stopped before crossing, but Dan had them at a full run. A tall member of their party fell to the ground, his head few into the air, then they heard the shot.

The cross fire began.

Ambushed!

“Suppressive fire!” Dan barked “Flair! Flair! Let the wind blow!”

Matt sent up the flair so they could see. They returned fire. James threw a grenade.
BOOM! Rock and dust went everywhere.

“Aahhhh!” another member of their group went down, shrapnel peppering his face. Matt shot up another flair and hurled a second grenade. Only six men remained in their ranks now. Dan and James were shooting viciously; three others were picking targets. After three minutes, the battle was over. For a moment all was silent, then Matt looked about around at the men just as James jumped onto Dan, yelling like a mad man.

“You sick bastard!” He threw a punch. “You knew moving fast was risky! Now two more dead.” They struggled on “Only six of us left! Ahhhhhhhh!” Matt grabbed James and threw him off; two others had a hold of Dan.

“They died for the cause!” Dan yelled wildly. They looked into one another’s eyes for a moment.

“Died for the cause? We go from city to city, trying to fend these bastards off! Does it work? Never, they always win! They can’t be beat, their too powerful, too infecting! Cap knew that.” Then it hit James. “Cap wasn’t shot by them was he?” Matt’s eyes flew to him, then to Dan. “YOU shot him in the back, didn’t you? Right as they attacked!”

“Cap was an ignorant fool.”

“You did! Damn you! Matt, he did didn’t he? You burnt him, where was the wound? In his back I bet!” Matt said nothing; the others weren’t sure what to do.

“You all would be dead now if not for me!” Dan screamed with insanity. Before anything else could be said, they heard a voice. Then more voices. They forgot their yelling and ran for cover. All together they ran toward the bridge once more. Shots rang in their ears. James was hit in the leg and went down. Matt stopped to help him, but Dan took out his pistol and motioned him on. They both looked into James’s eyes one last time and ran into the darkness. Moments later came the most painful scream one could imagine. The five of them ran on, and soon the smoke and dust of the city streets cleared and before them ran a great river, over which set the grandest bridge they had ever seem. The sky was dark with clouds and across the river, the city continued. Great pillars of smoke rose up from the ruined city. Ships flew overhead on bombing runs. One of the men looked out and saw the enemy force, marching over the bridge.
“W-we can’t repel that! They are behind us too. We must flee!”

“NO! WE FIGHT!” The others looked at Dan. “You will fight! Let the glory come down!” Artillery was falling everywhere now, blasting the paved streets into dust. Dan pulled his handgun again and motioned the men to charge. One did not and he was promptly shot in the head. A mortar blast tore into the others. Chaos! Dan and Matt charged on. Then Dan fell to a bullet; he screamed something about being free. Matt stopped to look back at him. For a moment time stood still, Matt had no intentions of helping him. Bullets were flying everywhere. Another mortar fell from the sky. It landed right on Dan in a blast of flesh and pavement. There was no time to think. Alone, surrounded. A third mortar threw Matt from the bridge and into the ice cold water below. He thought of home, of his brother, of undeath.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Iron Man 2

I'm sitting here, listening to the rain and thunder outside, trying to compose thoughts on Iron Man 2. It's actually more difficult than I thought it would be. On one hand it's a kick you in the taint awesome action movie. On the other hand it is a set up for the eventual Avengers movie and in doing so it had a lot going on. For me, it wasn't hard to follow at all. I know all the characters, the references, etc. But for the average movie goer, unschooled in the ways of Marvel, I can see it being confusing and cluttered. Obviously I am going to spoil the movie a bit so be warned.

Lets start with the facts, Robert Downy Jr is excellent. But for a American actor who can convincingly portray an Australian actor, portraying an African American, portraying a Vietnam vet, how hard can being Tony Stark be? He is capable of being arrogant and foolish, while maintaining an understated understanding that he could die very soon because of the very thing keeping him alive. Props there Robert. Micky Rorke was also very good and the main villain. Can anyone help me out, how many lines did he actually speak in english in this movie? It couldn't be very many. Sam Rockwell was solid as ever (if you really want to see him go rent Moon). I generally liked this movie. Great action, better than first in that respect. While the story got weighed down, it still had some flow to it, and I never got bored.

Honestly I'm not going to go into too much depth here because chances are you aren't going to base your decision to see the movie off some random comments I make about (most of the comments I make are random). I feel the use of Tony's father was a very fine touch, giving the character some real depth that is sorely needed in most comic movies. He had all but given up until seeing the secret message for him on his fathers tapes, urging him and inspiring him. By the way, where the hell are the computers he uses in the movie, I WANT ONE NOW! (Looking at you Apple) The real negatives in the movie depend on if you have any clue what the Avengers are. If you do, you probably don't mind Samuel L Jackson being in this movie. Some people like my wife think as long as he's in ANY movie, that movie becomes better. I'm sure however there are those people you don't have a clue why he was in this movie. They also don't know a rat turd about the Avengers. Which leads me again to my quandary...

Are they really going to make an Avenger movie. I know it's slated for release and scripts are being prepared, but I stand in disbelief. With Thor coming next year, and Captain America the year after, 2013 is looking to be the Avengers movie date. Will all the lead actors sign on? Will the script be any good? Will it make a damn bit of sense to anyone who hasn't spent the last ten years in the comic shop? I have serious doubts.

Also stay after the credits for Thor goodies!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Mouse

Events unfolded this weekend that have shook the foundations of my life. This event has changed the family dynamic in an irriversable way. Everything we have worked so hard for has been shaken to its very core. This is a truly profound tale...

So late Sunday morning the family unit decided we wanted Wendy's chicken nuggets. Okay, that's a lie, we all know my wife doesn't get up before noon on Sunday. So Sunday afternoon, we were sitting on the couch. We look at each other and knew; it's nugget time. So rarly do we agree on food choices this quickly; it was imparitve we embark on our nuggety journey with haste. It was pissing the rain outside. As we happily rolled down the road, not a care in the world, nothing but nuggets on the mind; fate intervened. I was driving, lazily watching the wiper blades go to and fro. My wife sitting beside me suddenly screamed. If I wasn't such an unemotional douche I would have been frightened of the scream myself. It was the kind of scream that makes your balls suck so far up into your body that you think you have four kidneys. Known for hyper-reacting to everything, my wife had really went for it this time. I simply turned and requested an explanation; I was perfectly polite. She was now squatting on the chair, not touching the floor of the car. The floor is lava! She exclaimed she had seen... a mouse!

I am not an eye witness to the mouse. I didn't see the mouse. I will try to describe the beast using the details I took from my wife's rambling. The rodent, almost mythological in proportions, reached a massive length of over ONE INCH! That would make its fangs almost half a millimeter long. The demon creature has it out for my wife; she fears it will escape the car and enter the house in the night to murder her in cold mouse blood (kind of like how Mickey Mouse likes to sneak into Marvel Studios at night and rape Spider Man). The rain was still beating down when my wife demanded we stop so she can evade the evil mouse's advances. We soon came the the small gas station on our road and stopped under the cover. The wife leaped from the car and began to ramble on and on about the rodent and her hatred. At one point I think she slipped into tongues. Maybe the rat used its ESP to invade her mind. After a furious search, I found no sign of the mouse; at all.

After enduring several odd looks from the patrons inside the gas station (probably because we were both still in sleep clothes, walking around our car with all the doors open, stooping down looking under the seats and ramming an umbrella under them in the middle of a monsoon) I convinced the wife to get in the car so I could take her home. I still wanted nuggets. She perched herself on the seat, still rambling on and on about her phobia of mice. We pulled into the drive way and she again tucked and rolled out of the car and stormed into the house. After I calmed her down, I went back and and bought mouse traps and nuggets. I enjoyed the nuggets greatly and the mouse traps are still in the car. On a side note, because she won't drive the car, I get to drive it. My car doesn't have an air conditioner and hers does. Aces! No mice have been captured as of the writing of this blog.

Visit again soon for her version of the story...

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Apple Gaming?

Anyone who reads a lot about video games probably knows who Matt Casamassina is. For those of you who don't he has been the face of Nintendo reporting over at IGN since, well they started up. Later he started reporting on Apple and iPhone/iPod Touch games as well. Today I read via his blog that he is leaving IGN to work for Apple as global editorial games manager, App Store. As he puts it he will be; "Leading the charge for games on the App Store, so whether you browse through iTunes, iPhone, iPod Touch or iPad, the games content you see will be handpicked and organized by me and my team."

If you own any of those devices you should be very excited. Matt knows what he is talking about when it comes to games and more importantly what makes games fun to play. Apple has always lagged behind in gaming and this is a very positive step toward them competing in the games market. Apple recently released info on it iPhone OS 4.0 and one major addition to it is the Game Center. It will be a very Xbox Live like service that will act as a social network, matchmaker for online gaming and will offer achievements. We don't know much more about it right now.

What does this mean for mobile gaming? A major company like Apple getting into a new market is always a big deal. You have always been able to play games on Apple computers and the iDevices, but this new Game Center is the first real maneuver directly into the territory of the Nintendo's and Sony's of the hand-held gaming world. Sony is already struggling with its PSP, while Nintendo is the current giant of the landscape. Nintendo has stated that they are not concerned with any competition the iPhone may present. I think Nintendo should get concerned. As a consumer looking for the most for my money, a device like the iPhone or even just the iPod Touch does so much more than just play games. Nintendo is currently working on its successor to the DS. For Nintendo's sake I hope it's more than a sleeker DS with 3D capabilities.

Too bad I don't own any of these devices; my birthday is November 28 if any of you were wondering :)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Untitled Entry

My scattered brain has left me with several different topics of discussion for you this evening which you may or may not care about...

Iron Man 2 is coming out soon. I'm somewhat excited. I know it will be awesome. I also know it will feature Nick Fury with more than just a quick after credits nod. I know that after this movie they are going to put real work into The Avengers. I really am not a fan of these combined universes in comic books. I think I will hate the Justice League much more than The Avengers, but that's probably just because I don't like Superman. I feel like putting all these characters together will somehow cheapen them and the films will be devoid of deeper meaning; replacing that meaning will be mindless action (not that some of them weren't already mindless action). As I age, I am becoming more and more tired of the mindless action. Is it just me? Does anyone else feel these characters should just stay in their own little universes and be happy? Marvel and DC don't.

I spent most of yesterday playing Too Human on ye'olde xbox. That's right, I love that game despite what most media hooked gamers may think. It's the kind of game you have to give some time to, to get to know it, like me; maybe that's why I love it. I hadn't played it in awhile so I enjoyed getting back to the hacking and shooting and looting. It is a real shame this game was never given a chance by gamers because of some bad press. I can name several games that have sold better which I consider inferior to Too Human. It hurts my heart to think that all that crap will probably mean I will not get to play a sequel. It's not just the great action and looting I will miss. The game's story used Norse Mythology as its back drop. Greek and Roman myths are fine, but Norse myths are my favorites for several reasons, first of which being the Gods can die and know they will die. If you don't know much about Norse Mythology, I highly suggest it. Not to mention a major movie from Marvel Comics will be coming out next year called Thor; I'm sure after it hits there will suddenly be tons of Norse Mythology know-it-alls about. Well Thor is awesome and so is Too Human; if you didn't like Too Human you didn't play it long enough or you just don't like a quality loot grinder in the tradition of the Diablo franchise.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

“Where the Wild Things Are”: a step back to childhood



Daniel has asked (well begged) for me to do a guest post on this blog for quite sometime. I haven’t blogged since 2006 when I had a xanga account, well can you really even call that blogging? Hmmm

Anyway, on Friday night thanks to the awesomeness that is Netflix, Daniel and I finally got around to watching “Where the Wild Things Are.” This was probably my favorite book as a child, so I was excited to see how the book would play out on the big screen. And it certainly did not disappoint! First off the characters on screen were identical to the look of those in the book! But it wasn’t the look of the film that left me in TEARS…not just misty-eyed semi-crying…but actual tears…identical to those I had after watching Marley and Me (if you have not seen this movie and are an animal lover, see it now…but make sure to have a tissue handy!). The movie brought me back to the days of being a kid. Sure the story is sad as the child is going through some painful stuff, but it shows that place in a kid’s life… on the brink of remaining an imaginative child and on the verge of well, growing up. There is a scene before the boy goes to meet the wild things where he narrates a story to his mother and she types it for him on the computer. This started my tears early because I used to do the same thing with my mom. I was always a writer, even before I could actually read and make words, and she would help me make my stories come to life on paper.

When the boy meets the wild things in his imagination… just little instances were reminiscent of my imaginative childhood…the happy, carefree times, but also the sad moments. Some critics have complained the movie ends “abruptly” but I don’t think so…. It is just like our childhood… gone in a fleeting moment and before you know it we are adults stressing over work and family issues. The boy realizes at the end when he goes back home that he needs to grow up and start to change some things about himself. While he certainly is still a kid at the film’s end, you are left with a feeling that it won’t be much longer before he actually does “grow up.” The end scene when he is leaving after waving to his “friends” really tore me up because you know it is the beginning of the end to his childhood. And we can never go back to being kids. It was very emotional for me. I loved being a kid, when each day was carefree. When I would play outside, run around barefoot all day, catch raindrops on my tongue and then catch lightening bugs at dusk (I always set them free!) These memories are precious to me, and I know things will never be like that again. I am very happy with things now, but sometimes I guess… I just miss those childhood days.

Would I recommend kids seeing this? That is a toughie, I would definitely read the book to them…but perhaps wait a couple of years for them to truly get and appreciate the movie. So the movie as a whole, I recommend… especially if you want to relive your childhood… for maybe just two hours.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Frog

Slow night. Slow week. Slow, well you get the point. Thought I'd write something. How about a tale from the homestead.

So we have this large stuffed animal frog at our house. It's too large to do any good. I did not have a hand in its purchase; I'll leave it at that. Anyways, it is bigger than our dog Winston. Granted he only weighs about 20 pounds, but still; it's a large frog. It has a very creepy grin too. Never trust people or stuffed animals that smile too much, ever. This smile drives Winston crazy. I can't figure out if he loves the frog or hates the frog. Recently he was left alone with the frog for a few seconds. In those painful seconds, that damned frog seduced my very neutered dog. Before we could stop him, Winston forcefully mounted the frog and began to pound away. All we could see were his relentless thrusts and the frog's vile smile. We quickly pulled Winston off the frog, but the damage had been done. My wife now screams anytime he gets next to a pillow or any other object she deems hump-able. What's the point I'm getting at? Maybe you shouldn't trust stuffed frogs just because they have a nice smile, because they just end up fucking your dog...

Friday, April 16, 2010

Best Picture

So I got around to watching The Hurt Locker last weekend via Netflix. If you haven't seen it I'm about to spoil it so skip the next paragraph:

***It's about the Iran war circa 2004. They main characters are basically the military version of a bomb squad. When someone finds a bomb or mine, they get called in to disarm it. Everyday! Not my kind of job.***

It is a very good movie and worthy of the Oscars I'm sure. I had one problem. I know it's Hollywood and they needed the drama, but I don't think I guy would get very far in the military acting the way he did. He was continuously breaking rules and orders to satisfy his adrenaline addiction; yes I do agree you can be addicted to adrenaline. I just don't think the military would allow that kind of activity. Anyone with more knowledge on the subject please enlighten me with your thoughts. As I said, the movies as entertainment is very good. I only saw two of the movies up for best picture this year (The Hurt Locker and District 9) so I guess I'm not too qualifyed to make an opinion; but I will anyways. I thought they were both excellent movies, but District 9 was better, in my opinion. As on edge as The Hurt Locker could put you, both my wife and I had it figured out. We knew who would die and who would live long before the end. District 9, while my wife had it nail very early, I did not figure out until much later. Also, District 9 just had a different feel to it. It stands apart from the normal Hollywood movie. I think the South African director and cast are part of this.

As for Avatar, I didn't see it and now that it's out of theaters, I probably won't. People have told me if you can't see it in 3D then it's not worth it. Well if 3D is the only thing that makes it "worth it", then I have no interest.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

iPad

I have so much to say about this item. Apple really makes great products, but the name? iPad? Really?